Money(less) Shot

Before Evaporation

After Evaporation

Oh no Wats! Dude. What happened? It’s just that I thought the three of you looked soooo happy together. I guess, as they say, all good things must come to an end. But, I hate to see it end like this.

I must say though, I do like your style. Someone crosses you and … POOF. They’re gone. Almost as if you’ve evaporated them into thin air. Just in case that’s not what happened, I do have one other theory. It’s possible that you traveled back in time and changed the course of history, thus eliminating the physical presence of the missing girl in this photo. It’s almost like it never happened. You know … like Marty’s family photo in Back to the Future.

Anyway, it’s all just speculation at this point. Only the three of you know what truly happened. Regardless, you’re still the man, “Class” is your middle name and you still retain the rights to the silver nomination. Life is good my friend. And remember, if you need a shoulder to cry on (because it looks like part of your shoulder was taken out by a pissed-off left breast), I’m here for you dog.

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Erotic Recard

For only $6.95 per minute, Allyse will tell you all of her naughty little real estate secrets.

Wanna know what happens at a private showing when the homeowners are away? Do you like taking part in buyer/seller role play? Call the cougar, she’s waiting to hear from you.

Grrrrowl for me Allyse.

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Apples, apples, one, two, three. Apples for you. Apples for me.

Here are just a few of my favorite apple delights: apple pie, apple cider, apple cobbler, apple sauce, apple martinis and now … Donna Apple. Maybe it’s her straightforward approach to branding. Can you blame her? When you’ve been blessed with a last name like Apple, you want to make sure the world doesn’t miss it. I mean, if my last name was iPhone, you bet your ass you’d find my big mug, smack dab on the screen. We get it Donna and we appreciate you connecting the dots for us.

Donna also appears to know a thing or two about the proper use of color. Besides the beautiful smorgasbord of nearly every primary color, Donna knew just the right shades of apple green and fall yellow to further remind us of her incredible namesake.

We’ve reserved a table a Baker’s Square so we can enjoy some apple crisp as we present you will an all-new red nomination. Only kidding, we’re givin’ ya gold.

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Turn Your Frown Upside Down

I’ll level with you folks, with a lack of solid submissions lately, I was almost beginning to believe that the economy finally had its way with real”ad”tor hopefuls. Of course, it’s without saying, I was deeply saddened by the thought of them upgrading to that next level of careers — insurance, multi-level marketing, affiliate marketing and so on. Just as I was ready to give up hope, Toni blessed me with a reason to hang-on.

Her formula was simple: Item – Modify – Picture – Rotate = 180. Done! This upside-down visual piece of trickery is what we call the sleeping bat technique. At first glance it goes virtually unnoticed, than, all of a sudden you see it, and it scares the bejesus out of you.

For the record Toni, you — and her little right-side up Remax ballon — scare me. But, you renewed my faith and for that, you get gold.

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Tell Death Do Them Part

Hey Lady, please release your full nelson and step away from the gentleman in tech support. Good god, the poor man is in grimacing pain.

Gotcha! I’m kidding of course, you guys are A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E. But, let’s be honest, that level of adorability doesn’t just happen by accident? I’m not going to pretend for a moment that it wasn’t planned that way. Obviously, you two are advertising gods first, real-estate agents second. Folks, observe this ad in great detail and live this rule of advertising: if you want to find the way to the buyers heart, you tug on their heart strings. And, nobody does that better than team G. Mullis. In fact, they practically wrote the book.

This little chunk of brilliancy is rounded out with a few choice headlines that ignore the annoying use of punctuation. Genius!

Gold.

Everyone, please do your part and hug a techie.

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Uncle Anthony Wants You!

The angels are looking down on us today folks. We’ve been blessed with yet another beauty from Little Italy’s own, Anthony Napoli.

Alright, I’ll admit … I bit nervous to give you anything less than gold. Not that you don’t deserve it — it’s just that your name is Tony, you live in Little Italy, you’re obviously very well-connected and you’re pointing at me like I’m next. I mean, I’m not an organized crime special agent or anything, but I’d say chances are good that you’re Remax office is in the back room of some Italian restaurant. Look, I’ve seen the Sapranos, I know how this works. I give you silver and you call in a favor. Next thing I know, my heads in a vise and I’m being forced to cough up a platinum nomination. No thank you!

Let me level with ya Tony. You’re good … really good. But, when I’m comparing you to Mr. Shuswap, Poker Jack and the rest of my gold nominees, you’re just ok. Give me a pun, show a little skin, I don’t know … just something more. That said and because of my will to live, I’m giving you gold anyway. Damn you.

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Yo Adrian – Buy this damn house.

And in this corner, weighing in at a smooth 15 cribs sold per year, from deep in the projects of Queens, New York – the one – the only – David “The Ultimate Realtor” Dubon! The crowd is on their feet!

The crowd settles down and the fight begins. Round 1: Look at David work that phone, there’s a reason why he remains undefeated. He’s coming in for his first move … ouch … he threw the “If Size Matters … Then Look No Further”, that’s going to sting. Here he comes again, this time with “Knock-out Service and Results”. He’s relentless. Folks, this could be the win — “MTV Cribs comes to Queens” … K.O..

Ladies and Gentleman, by knock-out in the first round, the yet to be defeated and first-time gold Real”ad”tor nominated champion, David “The Ultimate Realtor” Dubon.

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Poker Face

Hey Jack, comfy? Man, you look good propped up there on that premium hand. But, how in the world did you manage to sit still long enough to get this shot (which is money by the way!) with that jack up your crack? OUCH!

Oh, I just got it, Jack is your name. Ah ha! Very clever my man. But wait, what if that new young gun named Ace, with his skin tight Hollister shirt, comes along and poses on 4 of a kind? Logically speaking, going with Ace would be less of a gamble than going with Jack, right? It’s a shame your name wasn’t Royal, than you’d have the nuts.

Regardless, the message is clear and the statement is strong. To put this in terms you’ll understand: we just went all in with our gold nomination, you called and won with the best hand. Good luck, it was nice playing with you!

Money Shot

Mr. Watson, you dog! Woof, woof! You da man Wats. We’re not worthy … we’re not worthy. Alright, we got it out of our system, now let’s move on to the real beauty — your bus bench ad.

Interesting thing we noticed, the word “Class” (which, by the way, you define!) is made up of five letters, which also happens to be the same number of stars that represent your level of service. What’s even more interesting, we just happened to stumble across this adult maidservant ensemble from Costume Kingdom that also offers five-star service. Coincidence? We don’t think so.

Yes indeedy Wats (can I call you Wats?), to say we were impressed would be the understatement of the year. Let’s just say, the money shot alone earns you and the girls a silver nomination.

Got Talent!

Thank you, thank you, thank you Linda. Finally! We’ve waited patiently for someone to have the vision to exploit those two simple words that have transformed the entire dairy industry. Just a slight modification and Voilå! You did it! And, let’s be honest, how many people have really seen the “other” campaign anyway? Plus, it just makes a ton of sense grammatically. Got Realtor? Yes we do … we got you. Guess what you got Linda? You got yourself a silver nomination.