The VIP Club

ar12580799658444Wowzers gentleman, you really put it all out on the line. Just look at you guys with your fancy hat, sleek tear-off VIP card and eye-pleasing layout. No matter how you walk this puppy, it’s a champion from all directions. Although this beauty is chalk-full of goodies, a few things in particular caught my wandering eye:

  1. As any good business person knows, a true measurement of success is when your company is referred to by its initials. You know, like IBM, BK or KFC. With the classic capitalize and colorize method, you’ve managed to begin the long process of branding your peeps to start calling you TPF. Smart move guys.
  2. “Your home advertised 24hrs a day until SOLD”, are you kidding me? Hope your egos aren’t writing checks that your bodies can’t cash. You might be in luck, I’ve heard rumors that stuff like this is possible on the World Wide Web — I dunno. It’s a tall-order, but I got a feeling that you two are the types that can pull it off. Good luck.
  3. You say Toe-may-toe and I say Toe-ma-toe. You spell it real estate and they spell it Realestate. Why? Because it’s how big deals’ roll. I get it guys.
  4. Here’s the challenge: you want to rotate between red and blue on every other line, and you know (because you’re borderline genius) that red is reserved for the important info, like a telephone number. So what do you do when the order of the information is such that if you follow your rotating color formula, the “less important” information would have to be in red? Well, if you’re TPF (see, I’m tracking with you guys) you say screw the order of information, and redirect the eye with a stylized arrow (in red nonetheless). Problem solved and you look cool. Nice.

I could just go on and on, but I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of you two. I’d like to save a little something for the next round. You know? But, no need for you guys to wait to receive your silver nomination, it’s been sent via the World Wide Web, and apparently, it works 24 hours a day. WOW!

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la Famiglia

2003-04-11_BillboardSee! I knew it. This is exactly what I was talking about. I’m screwed.

Considering that I’m already destined to be buried in the middle of a corn field, outside a small Kansas City town, I might as well tell it like it is. Anthony … or Tony “the specialist” Napoli, as you’d probably prefer — your ad needs work. There, I said it.

The picture is dumb. The arrow is unnecessary. The hand-written font doesn’t make sense. Connected didn’t need to be in quotes (although, it’s further proves my theory). And, the gradient fade on your photo is lame.

Whew. That felt good.

Holla. Gotcha Tony, I was just messin’ with you. This is fantastic … really. And, just like everything else you touch, it’s gold. Give a shout out to the boys for me.

Erotic Recard

LG-REMAX-LAYOUT-2For only $6.95 per minute, Allyse will tell you all of her naughty little real estate secrets.

Wanna know what happens at a private showing when the homeowners are away? Do you like taking part in buyer/seller role play? Call the cougar, she’s waiting to hear from you.

Grrrrowl for me Allyse.

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Sweet Mobile Home Alabama

While the video you’re about to see is not a Real”ad”tor candidate, it’s important for everyone to see the level of which we judge talent.

If you know what a 1996 Chandeluer Double-Wide is, than this video might be for you. If you’ve been hit in the face with a crescent wrench — five times, than this video might be for you. If your wife’s boyfriend has broke your jaw with a fence post, than this video might be for you. If you’re in the market for a floor stained, two-piece home, sold by a family with serious issues, than this video is definitely for you.

This disturbing spot for Cullman Liquidation is produced by the same people who brought you this beauty. If I hadn’t gone to the company’s website (compete with Cullman Liquidation tees for sale), I would have taken this for a spoof. For the record, it’s real and so is the company, which leaves me troubled.

So check it out … or don’t … they don’t care.

(via: Where’s My Jetpack)

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Apples, apples, one, two, three. Apples for you. Apples for me.

dapplrmHere are just a few of my favorite apple delights: apple pie, apple cider, apple cobbler, apple sauce, apple martinis and now … Donna Apple. Maybe it’s her straightforward approach to branding. Can you blame her? When you’ve been blessed with a last name like Apple, you want to make sure the world doesn’t miss it. I mean, if my last name was iPhone, you bet your ass you’d find my big mug, smack dab on the screen. We get it Donna and we appreciate you connecting the dots for us.

Donna also appears to know a thing or two about the proper use of color. Besides the beautiful smorgasbord of nearly every primary color, Donna knew just the right shades of apple green and fall yellow to further remind us of her incredible namesake.

We’ve reserved a table a Baker’s Square so we can enjoy some apple crisp as we present you will an all-new red nomination. Only kidding, we’re givin’ ya gold.

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Ricki Ricki Bang Bang

realtor+adCall me a clown, but nothing quite tickles my tummy as much as the old gunfighter finger move. It’s just a riot! And, it’s a move that’s been perfected by Long & Foster’s very own, Ricki Gerger.

As Mrs. Gerger demonstrates, to pull this off effectively (which means putting your friends in hysteric laughter), you need to make sure that you fully extend the index and thumb to their absolute maximum. Next — and this is the real secret — hunch your shoulders and cock your head just slightly for full impact. It’s that simple. Now, go home, practice in front of the mirror and incorporate this into your next ad. Success will surely come your way.

As for you, Mrs. Gunslinger, while this isn’t a typical real estate ad, I would be remiss not to recognize your talent and reward you for your excellence. You’re receiving the coveted silver “bullet” nomination. BANG! BANG! Back at you.

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Turn Your Frown Upside Down

14346941ad_iI’ll level with you folks, with a lack of solid submissions lately, I was almost beginning to believe that the economy finally had its way with real”ad”tor hopefuls. Of course, it’s without saying, I was deeply saddened by the thought of them upgrading to that next level of careers — insurance, multi-level marketing, affiliate marketing and so on. Just as I was ready to give up hope, Toni blessed me with a reason to hang-on.

Her formula was simple: Item – Modify – Picture – Rotate = 180. Done! This upside-down visual piece of trickery is what we call the sleeping bat technique. At first glance it goes virtually unnoticed, than, all of a sudden you see it, and it scares the bejesus out of you.

For the record Toni, you — and her little right-side up Remax ballon — scare me. But, you renewed my faith and for that, you get gold.

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Tell Death Do Them Part

14410081ae_iHey Lady, please release your full nelson and step away from the gentleman in tech support. Good god, the poor man is in grimacing pain.

Gotcha! I’m kidding of course, you guys are A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E. But, let’s be honest, that level of adorability doesn’t just happen by accident? I’m not going to pretend for a moment that it wasn’t planned that way. Obviously, you two are advertising gods first, real-estate agents second. Folks, observe this ad in great detail and live this rule of advertising: if you want to find the way to the buyers heart, you tug on their heart strings. And, nobody does that better than team G. Mullis. In fact, they practically wrote the book.

This little chunk of brilliancy is rounded out with a few choice headlines that ignore the annoying use of punctuation. Genius!

Gold.

Everyone, please do your part and hug a techie.

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Uncle Anthony Wants You!

Anthony NapoliThe angels are looking down on us today folks. We’ve been blessed with yet another beauty from Little Italy’s own, Anthony Napoli.

Alright, I’ll admit … I bit nervous to give you anything less than gold. Not that you don’t deserve it — it’s just that your name is Tony, you live in Little Italy, you’re obviously very well-connected and you’re pointing at me like I’m next. I mean, I’m not an organized crime special agent or anything, but I’d say chances are good that you’re Remax office is in the back room of some Italian restaurant. Look, I’ve seen the Sapranos, I know how this works. I give you silver and you call in a favor. Next thing I know, my heads in a vise and I’m being forced to cough up a platinum nomination. No thank you!

Let me level with ya Tony. You’re good … really good. But, when I’m comparing you to Mr. Shuswap, Poker Jack and the rest of my gold nominees, you’re just ok. Give me a pun, show a little skin, I don’t know … just something more. That said and because of my will to live, I’m giving you gold anyway. Damn you.

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