Snow Day

Guess who? Well, if you guessed an outrageously witty and super smart real estate team from Iowa … you’re absolutely correct. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Doyle and Devoe — you complete me. I mean, aren’t they exactly what the real estate advertising world needs? Better yet, aren’t they exactly what WE need? The answer is an unequivocal “yes” people. YES.

This scene reminds me of a story. When I was just a little runt (when peeing in the snow was a favorite pastime), I’d often gather with my friends at our local sledding hill for a day of fun (D&D knows what I’m talking about). We’d start in the morning and finish when our moon boots froze over. On one particular outing, I was feeling rather confident in my ability to control the sleek dog sled. Rather than lie in the standard tummy position, I chose to be a hotdogger (much like little Mrs. Sunshine in the pink headband) and ride in the hang-five position. Considering this was pre-snowboarding, I thought the idea was quite innovative. I was wrong.

Look, not a year goes by and I hear about some kid, on some hill … well, it’s enough to make me sick. Moral of the story? Ride low and go slow. Yes — I know, I know. “Well, Doyle and Devoe are standing up on their sleds, why can’t I?” While that might be true, they’re professionals. There should have been a disclaimer. Shame on them.

D&D, I know exactly where I’m heading. I’m throwing on my long-johns, hopping on the toboggan and meeting you guys in the chalet. I’ve stuffed a little something gold in my snow pants that I’m just dying to show you.

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Punch Drunk

Do you know what’s better than being witness to a man and his loving wife reviewing some documents of extreme importance? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING. The fact that we are able to witness this moment of marital bliss in a print ad is simply breathtaking.

Wait, there’s so much more. The gifts. They just keep on coming.

Punch. Not Steve. Not John, or Albert, or Farnsworth. Punch. I think Rod Stewart said it best, “Some guys have all the luck”. And just what do you do when you’re blessed with parents who have such incredible taste in names? You honor them by purchasing a personalized phone number. 416.PUNCH.ME. Don’t mind if I do. Where does the line begin my friend? I hate you for being perfect Punch.

And, because perfection just isn’t good enough for these two, Punch, and the lovely Missis, decided to rub a little salt in the wound by displaying what appears to be two Emmy’s. The son’s of bitches.

Well, I hate to do it, but I must. I’m FedExing a platinum nomination for the two of you to review and sign. Yet another trophy to add to your collection. Yippee.

Let’s all thank Jason Allen for sending us this little reminder of just how much the rest of us suck.

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Money(less) Shot

Before Evaporation
After Evaporation

Oh no Wats! Dude. What happened? It’s just that I thought the three of you looked soooo happy together. I guess, as they say, all good things must come to an end. But, I hate to see it end like this.

I must say though, I do like your style. Someone crosses you and … POOF. They’re gone. Almost as if you’ve evaporated them into thin air. Just in case that’s not what happened, I do have one other theory. It’s possible that you traveled back in time and changed the course of history, thus eliminating the physical presence of the missing girl in this photo. It’s almost like it never happened. You know … like Marty’s family photo in Back to the Future.

Anyway, it’s all just speculation at this point. Only the three of you know what truly happened. Regardless, you’re still the man, “Class” is your middle name and you still retain the rights to the silver nomination. Life is good my friend. And remember, if you need a shoulder to cry on (because it looks like part of your shoulder was taken out by a pissed-off left breast), I’m here for you dog.

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The VIP Club

ar12580799658444Wowzers gentleman, you really put it all out on the line. Just look at you guys with your fancy hat, sleek tear-off VIP card and eye-pleasing layout. No matter how you walk this puppy, it’s a champion from all directions. Although this beauty is chalk-full of goodies, a few things in particular caught my wandering eye:

  1. As any good business person knows, a true measurement of success is when your company is referred to by its initials. You know, like IBM, BK or KFC. With the classic capitalize and colorize method, you’ve managed to begin the long process of branding your peeps to start calling you TPF. Smart move guys.
  2. “Your home advertised 24hrs a day until SOLD”, are you kidding me? Hope your egos aren’t writing checks that your bodies can’t cash. You might be in luck, I’ve heard rumors that stuff like this is possible on the World Wide Web — I dunno. It’s a tall-order, but I got a feeling that you two are the types that can pull it off. Good luck.
  3. You say Toe-may-toe and I say Toe-ma-toe. You spell it real estate and they spell it Realestate. Why? Because it’s how big deals’ roll. I get it guys.
  4. Here’s the challenge: you want to rotate between red and blue on every other line, and you know (because you’re borderline genius) that red is reserved for the important info, like a telephone number. So what do you do when the order of the information is such that if you follow your rotating color formula, the “less important” information would have to be in red? Well, if you’re TPF (see, I’m tracking with you guys) you say screw the order of information, and redirect the eye with a stylized arrow (in red nonetheless). Problem solved and you look cool. Nice.

I could just go on and on, but I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of you two. I’d like to save a little something for the next round. You know? But, no need for you guys to wait to receive your silver nomination, it’s been sent via the World Wide Web, and apparently, it works 24 hours a day. WOW!

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la Famiglia

2003-04-11_BillboardSee! I knew it. This is exactly what I was talking about. I’m screwed.

Considering that I’m already destined to be buried in the middle of a corn field, outside a small Kansas City town, I might as well tell it like it is. Anthony … or Tony “the specialist” Napoli, as you’d probably prefer — your ad needs work. There, I said it.

The picture is dumb. The arrow is unnecessary. The hand-written font doesn’t make sense. Connected didn’t need to be in quotes (although, it’s further proves my theory). And, the gradient fade on your photo is lame.

Whew. That felt good.

Holla. Gotcha Tony, I was just messin’ with you. This is fantastic … really. And, just like everything else you touch, it’s gold. Give a shout out to the boys for me.

Erotic Recard

LG-REMAX-LAYOUT-2For only $6.95 per minute, Allyse will tell you all of her naughty little real estate secrets.

Wanna know what happens at a private showing when the homeowners are away? Do you like taking part in buyer/seller role play? Call the cougar, she’s waiting to hear from you.

Grrrrowl for me Allyse.

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Sweet Mobile Home Alabama

While the video you’re about to see is not a Real”ad”tor candidate, it’s important for everyone to see the level of which we judge talent.

If you know what a 1996 Chandeluer Double-Wide is, than this video might be for you. If you’ve been hit in the face with a crescent wrench — five times, than this video might be for you. If your wife’s boyfriend has broke your jaw with a fence post, than this video might be for you. If you’re in the market for a floor stained, two-piece home, sold by a family with serious issues, than this video is definitely for you.

This disturbing spot for Cullman Liquidation is produced by the same people who brought you this beauty. If I hadn’t gone to the company’s website (compete with Cullman Liquidation tees for sale), I would have taken this for a spoof. For the record, it’s real and so is the company, which leaves me troubled.

So check it out … or don’t … they don’t care.

(via: Where’s My Jetpack)

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Apples, apples, one, two, three. Apples for you. Apples for me.

dapplrmHere are just a few of my favorite apple delights: apple pie, apple cider, apple cobbler, apple sauce, apple martinis and now … Donna Apple. Maybe it’s her straightforward approach to branding. Can you blame her? When you’ve been blessed with a last name like Apple, you want to make sure the world doesn’t miss it. I mean, if my last name was iPhone, you bet your ass you’d find my big mug, smack dab on the screen. We get it Donna and we appreciate you connecting the dots for us.

Donna also appears to know a thing or two about the proper use of color. Besides the beautiful smorgasbord of nearly every primary color, Donna knew just the right shades of apple green and fall yellow to further remind us of her incredible namesake.

We’ve reserved a table a Baker’s Square so we can enjoy some apple crisp as we present you will an all-new red nomination. Only kidding, we’re givin’ ya gold.

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Ricki Ricki Bang Bang

realtor+adCall me a clown, but nothing quite tickles my tummy as much as the old gunfighter finger move. It’s just a riot! And, it’s a move that’s been perfected by Long & Foster’s very own, Ricki Gerger.

As Mrs. Gerger demonstrates, to pull this off effectively (which means putting your friends in hysteric laughter), you need to make sure that you fully extend the index and thumb to their absolute maximum. Next — and this is the real secret — hunch your shoulders and cock your head just slightly for full impact. It’s that simple. Now, go home, practice in front of the mirror and incorporate this into your next ad. Success will surely come your way.

As for you, Mrs. Gunslinger, while this isn’t a typical real estate ad, I would be remiss not to recognize your talent and reward you for your excellence. You’re receiving the coveted silver “bullet” nomination. BANG! BANG! Back at you.

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