Money(less) Shot

Before Evaporation

After Evaporation

Oh no Wats! Dude. What happened? It’s just that I thought the three of you looked soooo happy together. I guess, as they say, all good things must come to an end. But, I hate to see it end like this.

I must say though, I do like your style. Someone crosses you and … POOF. They’re gone. Almost as if you’ve evaporated them into thin air. Just in case that’s not what happened, I do have one other theory. It’s possible that you traveled back in time and changed the course of history, thus eliminating the physical presence of the missing girl in this photo. It’s almost like it never happened. You know … like Marty’s family photo in Back to the Future.

Anyway, it’s all just speculation at this point. Only the three of you know what truly happened. Regardless, you’re still the man, “Class” is your middle name and you still retain the rights to the silver nomination. Life is good my friend. And remember, if you need a shoulder to cry on (because it looks like part of your shoulder was taken out by a pissed-off left breast), I’m here for you dog.

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The VIP Club

Wowzers gentleman, you really put it all out on the line. Just look at you guys with your fancy hat, sleek tear-off VIP card and eye-pleasing layout. No matter how you walk this puppy, it’s a champion from all directions. Although this beauty is chalk-full of goodies, a few things in particular caught my wandering eye:

1. As any good business person knows, a true measurement of success is when your company is referred to by its initials. You know, like IBM, BK or KFC. With the classic capitalize and colorize method, you’ve managed to begin the long process of branding your peeps to start calling you TPF. Smart move guys.
2. “Your home advertised 24hrs a day until SOLD”, are you kidding me? Hope your egos aren’t writing checks that your bodies can’t cash. You might be in luck, I’ve heard rumors that stuff like this is possible on the World Wide Web — I dunno. It’s a tall-order, but I got a feeling that you two are the types that can pull it off. Good luck.
3. You say Toe-may-toe and I say Toe-ma-toe. You spell it real estate and they spell it Realestate. Why? Because it’s how big deals’ roll. I get it guys.
4. Here’s the challenge: you want to rotate between red and blue on every other line, and you know (because you’re borderline genius) that red is reserved for the important info, like a telephone number. So what do you do when the order of the information is such that if you follow your rotating color formula, the “less important” information would have to be in red? Well, if you’re TPF (see, I’m tracking with you guys) you say screw the order of information, and redirect the eye with a stylized arrow (in red nonetheless). Problem solved and you look cool. Nice.

I could just go on and on, but I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of you two. I’d like to save a little something for the next round. You know? But, no need for you guys to wait to receive your silver nomination, it’s been sent via the World Wide Web, and apparently, it works 24 hours a day. WOW!

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Ricki Ricki Bang Bang

Call me a clown, but nothing quite tickles my tummy as much as the old gunfighter finger move. It’s just a riot! And, it’s a move that’s been perfected by Long & Foster’s very own, Ricki Gerger.

As Mrs. Gerger demonstrates, to pull this off effectively (which means putting your friends in hysteric laughter), you need to make sure that you fully extend the index and thumb to their absolute maximum. Next — and this is the real secret — hunch your shoulders and cock your head just slightly for full impact. It’s that simple. Now, go home, practice in front of the mirror and incorporate this into your next ad. Success will surely come your way.

As for you, Mrs. Gunslinger, while this isn’t a typical real estate ad, I would be remiss not to recognize your talent and reward you for your excellence. You’re receiving the coveted silver “bullet” nomination. BANG! BANG! Back at you.

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Whole World in His Hands

Come on everyone, let’s all sing this one together …

He’s got the rivers and the mountains in His hands,
He’s got the oceans and the seas in His hands,
He’s got you and he’s got me in His hands,
He’s got the whole world in His hands.

Whew, that was fun!

Alright Chuck, if you have a moment, why don’t you get some clothes on and meet us at the coffee shop around the corner? We’ve got a Grande Skinny latte with your name on it. After we get you all buzzed up on caffeine, we plan to take advantage of you by picking your left brain. Clearly, this is the side that’s responsible for such a visual masterpiece. As we can tell by your domain name (charlessellstheworld.com), you obviously have a big task ahead of you, so we promise that we’ll have you back to naked again in no time.

Oh, and one more thing. If you find yourself at Barnes and Noble in the coming month, grab the latest issue of Playgirl, we took a full-page ad out to congratulate you on your silver nomination.

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The BIG Conspiracy

I don’t know about you, but ever since the 1984 box office smash hit, Starman, I scream like a little girl at a Jonas Brothers concert whenever I see Jeff Bridges on the big screen. Throw Rosanne Barr’s lackey on-camera husband (yes, the one and only John Goodman) into the mix and you’ve got yourself one star-studded line-up for a movie. That was precisely what the Coen brothers had in mind when they chose the cast for their comedic classic, “The Big Lebowski”. However, what they didn’t foresee was that a gentleman by the name of Cary Libowsky had already coined the term long before their 1998 debut. Or … did they know? You see, as legend has it, a friend of a sister to the nanny of Ethan Coen’s best friend’s ex-brother-in-law (who apparently never lies), says that Joel Coen was spotted with Cary Libowsky’s business card during post-production of the film. Sounds SUSPECT!

Sources close to the “Real” Big Libowsky have reported that Cary has his good days, but has yet to forgive the writing duo. As we see it, Cary’s the real deal and we’ll endorse his version of the story any day of the week. As for the Coen brothers … well, they know what they did. (Hey C-bros, between the three of us, switching the “i” to an “e” and “y” to an “i” in the name was brilliant! Cary doesn’t stand a chance in court.) Anyway, we know it’s not an Academy Award, but we hope Cary can find some peace with a BIG Silver nomination.

Thank you once again to Andrea Ness for another wonderful submission.

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The Buckster

Ah Buck, we are just so dang proud of you. It’s just brings us to tears (happiness of course) seeing you sit there on your bench as if you were showing off your prized 6-point buck. Hey … wait a minute, 6-point Buck — Buck? Nah, that’s just to easy.

Anyway, let’s get to the creative: WOW, cool mock-plate man! But, what I really liked about this ad is that you refrained from any “selling” and stuck with what clearly gets the phone ringing — your name! I mean, why do an ad if all you’re going to do is sell? It’s all about branding for the buckster. In fact, over here we like to call him, “The Bucking Brander”, and he just gets tickled every time we say it. Hey Buck (Ha!) check out those bushes behind your bench, we’ve hid an envelope with your silver nomination.

Money Shot

Mr. Watson, you dog! Woof, woof! You da man Wats. We’re not worthy … we’re not worthy. Alright, we got it out of our system, now let’s move on to the real beauty — your bus bench ad.

Interesting thing we noticed, the word “Class” (which, by the way, you define!) is made up of five letters, which also happens to be the same number of stars that represent your level of service. What’s even more interesting, we just happened to stumble across this adult maidservant ensemble from Costume Kingdom that also offers five-star service. Coincidence? We don’t think so.

Yes indeedy Wats (can I call you Wats?), to say we were impressed would be the understatement of the year. Let’s just say, the money shot alone earns you and the girls a silver nomination.